Pairing: Jon x Luc
Rating: NC-17 for drugs and violence
A box being
brought from where it was hidden. Breath quickening as a
trembling hand opened it and revealed all the small bags inside.
Carefully he picked one out and poured the powder out on the
clean desk. He looked at the snow white line in amazement. It
when he looked at the straw in the top drawer the sickening
feeling started to grow his stomach. Maybe he shouldn’t do it...
But it didn’t take long until the straw was in his hand and he
snorted it all up. When he felt it touch the insides of his nose
his tensed muscles immediately relaxed, but before he let
himself lie down on the bed and just exist he cleaned away all
himself. But he didn’t care, soon he would get some peace. At
least for a while.
Lucas had a
wonderful day. The fluttering in his stomach wouldn’t go away,
and he couldn’t keep a huge grin away from his lips. He couldn’t
believe it. The love of his life was finally *his*. Sure it had
taken a hell lot of effort from his side, but it was worth it
all. Now his only problem was how he would get Jonathan to open
up to him.
there was something that troubled him. He always kept a safe
distance, no matter how close they were. Though Lucas respected
that he wanted to be for himself, he didn’t get it. Why wouldn’t
he let him get close? Maybe he just took a long time trusting
felt that it wasn’t the only reason. And then he was snapped out
of his thoughts by a voice he knew all too well. Trevor. But he
lit up when he saw Jonathan, but it didn’t last long. He was
pressed up against the lockers, and it sounded as if he was
pressed up against the lockers Jonathan inhaled a deep breath.
He wasn’t going to panic and show his fear. It was really hard
though. By the look in Trevor’s eyes he could tell he had a
really bad day, which meant he would make Jonathan’s even worse.
what the fuck are you doing!?”
Sure he was happy Lucas stopped Trevor, but he didn’t want him
to see him this vulnerable. He had already seen too much. He had
seen *him* too much.
Jonathan hated him for it. He hated the way he didn’t see the
geek everyone else saw. And for the way he accepted it.
nothing. Just chatting.”
fuck off him!”
smiled (if you could call that ridiculously false attempt a
smile) and then glared back at Jonathan. Then he leaned forward
and whispered “later, fucktard.” And with that he left, leaving
a bitter Jonathan and a very much confused Lucas behind.
all that about?”
snapped back to reality.
did you have to ask? I hate lying to you.’
really. He just asked when next class begins.”
right. Like I’m going to fall for that.”
stop. Can’t you see I’m trying to save you?’
glared at him suspiciously.
trying to make you do his schoolwork again?”
just stared at him. Why didn’t he think of that from the
he is.” When he saw the concerned look in Lucas eyes he added,
“But don’t worry. He can’t get to me anymore.”
swallowed it all and let it go. Jonathan knew he would. He had
watched him a long time now. He always did that. Observed people
unnoticeably and learned their pattern, so he would know what
they were about to do. He learned to do that, because he needed
it, when he was only a little child.
“So.. Can I
meet you after school?”
sorry, but I’ve got work to do.” He saw the disappointment in
those wonderful green eyes, but he ignored it. He really needed
his coke, and he wouldn’t let Lucas find out about it. Even
thought it was nothing serious, he knew he wouldn’t handle the
fact that he used drugs very well.
How about tomorrow then?” He smiled. Jonathan couldn’t believe
him. He smiled even though there was nothing to smile about.
Jonathan hadn’t smiled in years. He couldn’t.
got work then too. I’m working at hotel plaza now also, so I
haven’t got much free time.”
sorry. It’s very expensive to live right now, and I have to eat.
I have to go to class now. I’ll call you.”
couldn’t look into his eyes when lying like that. He had never
seen so beautiful eyes. They were so hopeful, so filled with
joy. They had not seen what he had. Lucas didn’t know how bad
life could be, or the cruelty of mankind. And Jonathan wasn’t
going to be the one to show him.
couldn’t tell him the truth, that he hadn’t eaten for two days.
And if he told him he was going to loose his apartment within
three weeks if he didn’t pay his bills? He would offer him to
come and live with him and Maya.
He would comfort him, telling him everything would be okay, and
he would make him feel safe. As he always did. And that would
make him love him even more. And Jonathan didn’t want to. He
didn’t want to love, to feel.
don’t feel, nothing hurts. And Jonathan had had far too much
pain to ever want it again. He had promised himself never to
fall in love again. But then Lucas came into his life. He tried
to keep away, but he was so stubborn... And now he had to
protect both himself and Lucas. He tried so hard to make him
hate him. At least not like him anymore. If he got kicked out he
would probably freeze to death. And he didn’t want to cause
Lucas any pain.
him too much. That was another problem. He didn’t want to love
him. It was going to hurt so fucking much when he lost him. And
he knew he would, sooner or later. With his hand on the handle
he stopped. He couldn’t go in. He couldn’t stand all these
thoughts. He needed his coke, and he needed it now.
later, on Christmas day, Jonathan was on his way home from work.
He felt dizzy. Without any food, even the easiest work felt
hard. Not many people wanted to work on Christmas, so he was
well paid. At least he could afford some new coke. A couple of
weeks ago he might have considered buying food or paying his
bills. But that was before Lucas found out he used drugs. He
would always remember that day. The day when Lucas saw him buy
his stuff. How could he ever forget the look in his eyes? He was
so sad. And so disappointed.
you tell me?” If he only could’ve been angry and yelled at him.
Jonathan still couldn’t bare the thought of how filled with pain
his voice had been. “Can’t you at least try to quit? For... for
Jonathan couldn’t. No, wouldn’t. He wouldn’t give up on drugs,
even though it shattered his heart to pieces to see how much
pain he caused. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. He tried to
explain it to him. “I just need it to relax now and then,” he
said. But Lucas wouldn’t listen.
the moment came that he knew would come sooner or later.
‘Surprise surprise, it came sooner...’ Jonathan thought as he
wandered the sidewalk.
but I just can’t be with you if you can’t even consider it. Call
me when you change your mind.” And then he left. And that was
the last he saw of him, his back slowly disappearing into
darkness, shoulders shaking. Jonathan had felt so bad for making
him cry. So he took some coke to heal the shattered pieces that
once was his heart. And from that it went from bad to worse. Now
he didn’t think about anything else than drugs. And Lucas...
Which made his heart break, which made him want drugs even more.
the last time he would go home. Tomorrow he was going to be
kicked out, but he didn’t care very much. He had money to buy
more drugs, so he wouldn’t have to think about Lucas that night.
That was all he cared about for the moment. When the coke was
all gone he would be dead. And he didn’t care. Life wasn’t worth
living any more.
Just as he
wondered where Jim, his drug dealer, could be on Christmas day
he heard steps.
He turned around, and saw just the persons he did not want to
meet. Trevor and his gang.
fuck are you doing here!? Leave me alone.”
aren’t we in a bad mood? Just wanted to wish you a merry
Christmas, that’s all.” They all smiled their devilish little
smiles, but Jonathan wasn’t going to be a pawn in their game. He
didn't have the time. So with all the powers he possessed he
punched Trevor in the face and made a run for it. Not a very
smart move. He used to be able to run very fast, and he would’ve
made it then. But now he hadn’t ate for so long, they caught up
with him quickly.
When one of
them tripped him to the ground he smashed his head to the
asphalt, and it made him see dark spots.
lifted him up by his jacket he couldn’t stand straight, and
after Trevor almost crushed his ribs with his knee he let him
fall, crashing back down on the ground. They didn’t even give
him enough time to prepare himself before one of them kicked him
in the stomach. Yet another kick made him cough, and the snow
beneath him turned red.
Trevor’s friends bent down and picked something up from the
look what we have here.” It was Jonathan’s money.
snapped him back to reality. They could hurt him as much as they
wanted to, but if they took his money he couldn’t buy any drugs.
So he attacked the one who took them, tripped him to the ground
and took back what belonged to him.
At first no
one moved. They didn’t believe what they just saw. Jonathan had
actually managed to win over one of the strongest in their gang.
Of course they didn’t know he desperately needed coke.
a few seconds (though they felt like hours to Jonathan) they all
attacked him at once. Sure he could handle one of them, but not
even the strongest drug-need in the world could make him strong
enough to handle them all. So all he could do was cling to his
money, and that he did while hands and feet came falling down on
him. By the time they were done he was on the verge of
again lifted him up by his jacket, and then he helped him stand
straight leaning on a brick wall.
enough? Give me your money.” He said.
inhaled a couple of deep breaths, or as deep as his broken ribs
would let him, collecting enough strange to talk.
“I wont let
you take my money. No matter what you do.”
sure? As Trevor pressed up against him, effectively trapping him
between himself and the wall, a cold blade lightly touched
angry enough to stab someone? He decided to take a chance.
he said it he regretted it. A sharp pain shot through his
stomach that made him scream. His hand automatically searched
its way up to his left side, and when he felt the warm stream of
blood and the knife that was still there, the world went black.
woke up Trevor, his gang, the knife and his money was all gone.
The pain was gone too. All that was left was himself, all alone
in the freezing winter world. Maybe this was for the best.
he leaned back against the wall. It was so cold. When he looked
up to the deep blue sky, he saw a falling star. It was so
beautiful. Did he really want to leave all this?
his eyes tightly, making the tears go away. But when he opened
them again, he was not alone. There stood his father, and his
to him, told him everything would be alright. When his mother
hugged him he held on to her as hard as he could, closing his
eyes and taking in as much of her scent as possible. When he
opened his eyes again, they were gone, but the warmth they had
planted inside of him spread inside his body and made all the
them so much. He didn’t remember anything about then. He was so
young when they died, but he knew they were a very loving
family. And he wanted them back... As time passed by he wondered
what his life would’ve looked like if they hadn’t died. Would he
still have met Lucas?
Why had he hurt him so much? And now it was too late to say he
was sorry. He wished he had told him how much he meant to him.
How much he loved him. Now he would die, and no one would ever
rigidity began searching its way up his legs, and he couldn’t
move them anymore.
it’s time. I’m going to die.’ He looked up. And he saw another
his eyes tightly. Maybe... Just maybe...
dare open them up again. What if there was nothing there?
But then he
felt the softest touch of a hand stroking his cheek.
eyes Jonathan.” It was the sweetest thing he had ever heard.
Slowly he opened his eyes, and he saw the most beautiful thing
in the whole world. The eyes of his great love.
were no more filled with sadness, they were just loving.
cupped the hand, which still lay on his cheek with his one. He
never wanted it to go away.
so sorry Lucas...”
Everything is going to be okay. I know you never meant to hurt
me.” He smiled one of his adorable little smiles.
you, so much...”
first time in so many years Jonathan had tears in his eyes. He
didn’t want to close them. He didn’t want Lucas to leave him all
alone in the night. But when he leaned in closer and kissed him
tenderly he couldn’t keep them open. A single tear ran down his
cheek. He would never get to feel those soft lips upon his
again. He would miss him so much...
But when he
opened his eyes again, Lucas was still there.
You’re not going to go away?”
wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer.
I wont leave you. I love you too much. No matter how far away
you are, I will always be there. To make you feel safe. That’s
why I came, to take you to a better place.”
And then he
lifted him up in his arms, and they flew away, leaving all the
cold, hunger and pain behind. Jonathan would never have to live
another day on earth.
morning when Lucas had decided to go and apologize to Jonathan,
he never made it to his apartment. He only walked a couple of
steps before he saw Jonathan’s body sitting there in a poodle of
blood, a single ice tear on his cheek and a smile on his lips.
would never find out why he sat outside Lucas house. They would
never know he searched his way there without even thinking about
it, because that was the one place he felt safe. And they would
never know why he smiled. They would never understand, but that
wasn’t strange. They had not seen what he had.
would never forgive himself for saying what he said. He would
always blame himself for not helping him. He didn’t know
Jonathan loved him, and always would. And he didn’t know
Jonathan watched over him, making sure nothing happened to him.
could meet again...